Overcoming Emotional Invalidation

by Melissa Nunes-Harwitt, LCSW

Has anyone ever spoken to you like this on a regular basis?

• “There’s no reason to be sad.”
• “Don’t be so sensitive!”
• “No one else is bothered by it.”
• “I’m sure they didn’t mean that.”
• “Why can’t you do anything right?”

You are unique in body and mind with your own needs, opinions, and preferences.  Ideally, you would have learned as a child to recognize and honor your individuality. Healthy families allow for emotional expression and make room for disagreement. Unfortunately, some parents shut down feelings or opinions that do not match their worldview.

Your psychological well-being depends on a sense of agency, or the ability to choose what to do next in the moment, in your relationships, in school, and at work. Emotional invalidation occurs when you are told through words or nonverbal behaviors that your way of thinking or feeling is bad or wrong. This response pattern can occur at any point in life but is particularly hurtful coming from a parent because it starts early, happens frequently, and continues for years, sometimes even into adulthood. Other significant invalidation experiences may come from romantic partners, teachers, supervisors, or peer groups such as classmates or coworkers.

Invalidation can occur in a variety of ways, including:

• Telling you that reality is other than how you perceive it: This can include minimizing concerns, contradicting your experience, and criticizing or mocking your ways of doing things.  For example:
  • You express an opinion: “This is the best movie!”
    Someone responds with: “What are you talking about, it’s not even funny.”
  • You show an emotion: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now; everything seems chaotic with work, family obligations, and personal commitments piling up.”  
    Someone responds with: “You just need to manage your time better.”
  • You state a need: “My stomach’s been upset all day; I can’t make it tonight.”
    Someone responds with: “You’re fine, just go.”
  • You indicate a preference: “I’m not a fan of working late; I like to keep my evenings free."
    Someone responds with: “Most people don’t mind because they know it will help the team.”
• Refusing to hear you: The other person may have a large distress response of their own, including anger, or tears, which leaves no room for your feelings. They may insist that you focus on someone else’s needs instead, silence you when you express yourself, or simply not respond to your words at all.
• Punishing expressions of emotion or individuality: Rejecting your position may take the form of excluding you from social gatherings, giving praise only to others, or speaking badly of you to others. During your childhood, it may have involved sending you to your room, taking away privileges, or excluding you from treats and outings.

Emotional invalidation is not only painful when it happens; it can also have profound long-term effects. Chronic invalidation, also called traumatic invalidation, has been linked to shame, insecurity, negative self-talk, ruminating, and avoidance. If you were repeatedly invalidated in childhood, you may struggle to regulate emotions in adulthood and tend towards avoidant or insecure attachment patterns.

Overcoming a history of chronic invalidation takes time. The first step is to notice the messages you are carrying, such as “it’s my job to make sure everyone else is happy” or “showing distress is a sign of weakness.”  Learning to practice mindfulness can be extremely helpful with this. Being able to pay attention to your mental state is a form of self-compassion.

Once you are aware of these internalized “rules,” you can extend your awareness to the emotions that accompany them. You are likely to discover grief, shame, anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, and many other feelings you have suppressed due to being invalidated. Continue to be kind to yourself as you work through these feelings. Even honoring feelings of being hungry or tired may take work if you were taught to ignore these internal signals.

Only after you have made room for the pain can you start to reconsider these “rules” and reframe your view of yourself and the world. You will start to accept and express your likes, dislikes, views, feelings, favorites, and needs.

Working through negative self-talk and other effects of chronic invalidation can be hard to do on your own. Therapists at Behavioral Health Partners can help. Behavioral Health Partners is brought to you by Well-U, offering eligible individuals mental health services for stress, anxiety and depression. To schedule an intake appointment, give us a call at (585) 276-6900.

 

 

Jim Riggs | 12/1/2024